I WANTED TO THROW A JUG OF WATER OVER THIS POST.
It's easy to be willing to risk it all when you know the odds are in your favour.
When you know the outcome will have people like you.
But what about when you feel the risk of rocking the boat?
Of really pushing buttons?
Of really BOLDLY speaking your truth and people not liking you because of that?
Are you willing to risk it all then?
This is one of those posts I considered throwing fabric softener onto.
Tossing a jug of water over.
OR not writing at all.
See the people pleaser in me is shaking at the moment. She feels scared. She's waving her arms begging me to go back, to shrink back, to water down. She wants me to stop.
But I can't do it anymore.
I can't operate with the fuel of my sole purpose in life being to have others like and accept me.
I'm so done with it.
It even FEELS old.
I choose, again and again, to know myself as a Woman who boldly shares her voice, who only speaks her truth, who is so fucking anchored in who she is that nothing outside of her rocks her for long.
A woman who people know they can be around and just fully be themselves and truly GET that they can be that with me. Regardless.
I choose again and again to allow my rebellious heart to roam free and to live MY way. Not how others decide I need to be.
And it's fucking risky.
Holy shit am I present to that right now.
My chest hurts.
My stomachs twisted.
My hearts racing.
Because I can feel how much an old identity is being let go of right now. And it's come from a seemingly small series of events, yet there is something SO big for me under it all.
You know what I journaled on this morning? The fact that how others receive us is none of our damn business.
I am not a lovely gift wrapped present for others to receive.
I am me.
And people are allowed to receive me however they damn choose.
People know who I am. They know my intent. They know my heart. And if they don't, that's not up to me to control them into.
And that's what I used to do.
I would pull out the victim card, I would water down, I would APPEASE others, I would be damn digestible so others would HAVE to like me.
No fucking more.
Who am I to control how someone sees me? Receives who I am? Feels around me?
People get to be however they feel AND it is never up to me, to us, to hold that.
I have never been so willing to risk it all to actually know myself as the kind of woman I want to be.
So willing to risk people thinking badly of me so I get to truly know my own power and sovereignty.
So willing to rock the boat on what others make of what I do or don't say in order to honour what's on my heart.
So willing to be totally and utterly alone if it means being FULLY me, all fucking sides.
So willing to show up too much, be 'too seen', take up 'too much space', irritate people in order to express all of what I have to say.
So willing to shatter all the old beliefs and ways of beings I once clung to for safety in order to really experience my own power.
I have never been so willing to risk it all, to gain it all.
These are the moments that count.