I GOT BORED OF PLAYING SMALL
I just claimed it && got tired of pretending I was small.
In fact the conversation of me playing small fucking bored me.
It tasted gross coming out of my mouth.
I would dig around in my little treasure chest of smallness, finding something I could focus on to have an issue with my coach and there be SOMETHING wrong.
Because it was safe.
But so fucking old.
It felt old.
It sounded old.
It WAS old.
(and trust me, I loved on that part of me too but now she gets her little blanket and told she's ok while I continue expanding into what's next)
And I became so freaking aware of what I was doing, constantly, that even as the words would come out of my fingertips I would shudder.
"I SEE what you're doing"
"Yes but what if I don't have an issue that I need help with? We can't claim that we're ok without something wrong?! That's too...bold"
"It's time to claim THAT"
"Yeah but, growth! There is always room to grow, we aren't ready!"
"Honey I see you, and we are, this shit's done, STOP it"
I would trick myself in the story of "there is ALWAYS more room to grow" and continue digging around to find something new to focus on that was 'wrong' with my life.
I am addicted to growth, I fucking love seeing the new edge and expanding into it, I love the process of it, I love how it feels looking at what's next, I love all of it.
AND I also could see so damn clearly where I would use that as a reason to stay small and NEED someone else to hide behind to grow with.
That's what it became.
Not claiming that I'm o-fucking-kay and in fact ANYTHING in my life that I desire I know with every inch of me that I have the capacity to create it.
Until I claimed it.
I started owning when I was playing small.
And in fact I'd say "GROSS I'm doing that thing" and stop it.
Then an old agreement ended, it was time, the dynamic changed & new dynamics/relationships stepped into.
There was a grieving process for me.
That was real.
I was letting go of the safety net in many dynamics, not just this one, that I had clung too.
I honoured that.
I honoured what it was for me.
And then I claimed my power in a whole new way.
A deeper strength came through.
A bolder voice.
A complete knowing that I had me, re-fucking-gardless.
There's no room for playing small anymore.
And the whole conversation fucking bores me.
I have no space for it.
I won't entertain it in myself or others.
And it doesn't appear in my world anymore now. Or if it does those around me, or I, claim it and move on.
The old play small to get attention and bla bla bullshit is done.
Isn't it time you got bored of your bullshit and quit playing small too?
With love && a dose of own your humanness
Rebellious Heart | Sassy Mind | Fiery Soul