I wanted to stay in the “middle” phase between Christmas and New Year longer than we had.
2018 was comfortable.
Even in the discomfort, it was comfortable. I had built the muscle of being comfortable with the decisions I had made in 2018 and none of them scared me anymore. They just were how I was.
2018 was safe.
I was still hiding. I hadn’t fully let go of the need to justify who I was. To please others. To let go of an identity that no longer served me.
2018 was the end of the old and beginning of the new, and now 2019 was here and it’s new.
It’s the unknown.
It’s the uncertainty.
It’s the being seen.
And it’s here.
And I decided I wasn’t ready.
I’ve had weeks of waves of deep sadness and what I could only describe as feeling lost and depressed. In fact there were days where I didn’t want to get out of bed, or get up and go back to bed. I’ve never felt like I could sleep as long as I have lately. And I’m not tired, I just have felt..sad.
And none of this is from a victim place, or anything being “wrong” - it just is how I’ve felt. And knowing I’ll ALWAYS be a stand for the truth and share from a truly authentic place, I felt to share this. Because well I can’t not, and I want you to know the people you decide are brave and courageous, still have doubts and fears just like you.
2019 started with being really SEEN with such deep love by women around me.
Without hiding behind stories or justifications for who I was.
Without using anything to “PROVE” I was enough.
2019 started by me just BEing…ME
And it totally rattled me.
I spoke to my beautiful soul sister last night and it came out…”I’m not ready”. I’m not ready for 2019.
And today, just now, I’ve realised. I wasn’t ready for what I thought 2019 had to be.
See I’m a super fiery woman. I get shit done. I set a goal and achieve it. I am amazing at DOING. But the BEing? The trusting me? The just standing in who I am without the need to slap anything on top? HEY NEWNESS.
So 2019, I AM ready. I am ready for what I decide it is moment to moment. Not what I think it should be, or boxes I feel I SHOULD tick.
2019 I’m ready to BE.
In all meanings of the word, with all the words that can follow that.