I thought it needed to be bigger.
This morning I was writing about my purpose, what I bring to the world, what I'm a stand for.
And I realised that I have placed so much pressure on "the thing".
On knowing what THE thing is.
On having clarity around why I'm here.
And every time the word purpose, or mission, or vision comes up - I tensed inside, I felt myself shrink in, a pit of uncertainty grew in my stomach.
Whenever I explored what I feel my purpose was, I found myself going..."that can't be it?" "that's not enough?" "that doesn't feel impactful?"
This morning I realised how much I was expecting myself to be BIGGER than what I am - not seeing the bigness, the impact, the gift just BEING me gets to be.
I felt like I owed the world something.
I mean surely I wasn't gifted the experiences I was to just...be me?
I was waiting for a huge world changing purpose to drop in.
My purpose has to be more than what I'm writing, right?! I have to KNOW what my purpose is right now, right?!?
Yet I know myself enough to know that I grow, change, pivot so fast in life that "the thing" on the surface feels like it changes regularly.
And with that comes a spiral of "is this really what I want? Is it really "the thing" , isn't there more I'm here to do?" (getting the picture of the pressure shit storm yet?)
Yet when I peak under the pivoting and new decisions, when I lift the lid and SEE whats under it all. It's always the same.
To be the stand. To be a change. To take radical self ownership, leadership & responsibility for my life and ignite in others the awareness to do the same.
It's THROUGH the online business.
It's THROUGH the Facebook posts.
It's THROUGH the writing.
It's THROUGH the Facebook lives.
It's THROUGH the full utter self expression.
It's THROUGH it all.
Under it is me, standing for me, taking FULL ownership of my entire life (the good and the bad) and as a result being a stand for the fact that WE GET TO CHOOSE TO LIVE OUR LIVES. With all the old, odd, bad, painful, traumatic experiences.
I KNOW with every inch of my being that we are all gifted the lives we lead for a unique reason for us. And THAT is the purpose. THAT is the gift. THAT is why we are here.
I expected myself to know what "it is" like it needs to be defined by a carefully select few words that envelope my whole entire existence and the meaning of my life... (ya know, no biggie)
So instead of expecting myself to KNOW so clearly, defined so beautifully and captured in text what my purpose is. I chose to BE it instead, and know that it is ALWAYS the purpose, on purpose, a purpose.
You're the gift.
Your life is the mission.
You being YOU is the purpose.
The clarity around it comes when you get that.